![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Let Me Go
Was going to try and post this to Fandomweekly but its about 567 words too long, so here's a Starter I wrote last week turned into a fic.
Prompt: Reunion
Title: Let Me Go
Fandom: MCU
Rating/Warnings: Spoilers for End Game, Suicidal thoughts, Might not be Steve-friendly-ish.
Pairings: n/a? Might be considered StarBucks if you already ship them, or maybe Winter Falcon too if you try hard enough.
Word Count: 1567
Summary: Bucky feels unbalanced after Steve does the thing.
There’s a weight that sits square in his chest. It’s heavier than the burden of his past, heavier than the weight HYDRA has made him carry, heavier than redemption that he doesn’t yet feel like he’s earned. He knows who is sitting there, on that bench looking out onto the water. His lungs feel like they’re full of water and his neck feels tight. He keeps his hands in pockets curled into fists, fingernails digging into the palm of his right hand. He takes a deep breath.
“Sam.”
He’s not sure who he interrupted, or if he interrupted anyone everything around him is just static right now. He’s not even sure if Sam is talking to him. He’s zoned in on the figure on the bench. He’s not even really sure where he is right now, he doesn’t remember if he’s on American soil or in Wakanda, for all he knows right now he’s somewhere in Germany. He’s not sure if he told Sam to go talk to him, he’s kind of running on Autopilot right now. The bottom tips of his shoulder blades ache, even the metal one. He watches as Steve talks to Sam. Hands over the shield.
He knows he should be happy, Steve is his best friend. The only friend he’s had for a long while. He’s not sure if Sam counts. Natasha is gone and Sam treats him well enough, but Bucky isn’t sure if it’s out of loyalty to Steve or if Sam genuinely wants to be around him. He takes another deep breath, the world around him seems to spin on and Bucky can’t move, he can barely breathe. It feels like he’s drowning.
At some point, his gaze moved from Sam and Steve to the ground just before his feet. His heart pounds in his chest and his brain is thinking too many thoughts to be useful. He swallows, his head begins to hurt and his body feels heavy. His fingers feel like they have weights attached, his knees feel weak and his feet feel like they’ve been buried in cement and a hand on his shoulder makes him jump.
“Barnes, you okay?”
He isn’t sure who asked him that, he isn’t sure he even sure he understands the question. It sounds distorted and he’s scared, he goes back to what he knows: give them the answer they want to hear. Protect yourself, even if it means lying, but he can’t even do that because he can’t even lie and say he’s okay.
“I just-” starts Bucky, he brings a hand out of his pockets and runs it through his hair bringing it out of his face. His hands wet, fuck is he crying? “I need a walk.”
He isn’t sure how he sounded, he isn’t sure what’s said afterward if he was given any warnings he won’t head them. He brings his head back up, seeing Steve and Sam still at the bench talking, Sam looks up with a surprised look before Bucky turns and walks in the opposite direction of the bench. Bucky doesn’t look back to see if Sam or Steve follows him. He just walks in a straight line till a tree gets in his way then he changes his path ever so slightly.
He keeps walking. He's not sure when the sun went down but it had at some point. He’s made it across several streets until he’s walked 10 miles. He ends up on the bank of a river. Some part of him knows that maybe he should go back, though he’s not entirely sure how he got to the bank of this river.
He stares at the river bank. It's not the Potomac, at least he's pretty sure it's not. Bucky isn't sure what happened in the 5 years he's been gone to him. It feels like minutes have passed. For him, its only hours that have passed since Steve had asked him how he was doing, how Bucky replied not bad for the end of the world. He wasn't sure why this was worse either. The world was saved. Steve saved it, they should be celebrating and they did. But like with everything in Buckys’ life it was taken and he didn't understand what had broken Steve in the past 5 years.
His heart hurt when he realized that he hadn’t felt this torn apart knowing that if they lost he’d be dead, they would all be dead, but what breaks him is Steve going back, leaving Bucky behind. It’ll be okay Buck, those words echo in his head and send chills up his spine because how is he supposed to be okay? He hasn’t been okay since Steve lifted him off that table in 1943. He hadn’t been okay since he got his draft papers in the mail. Bucky Barnes isn’t even sure what okay means anymore.
Anymore he just feels… there.
Every joint in his body feels heavy like cinderblocks are tied to each joint. His knees can’t hold himself up anymore so he just kneels on the ground, sand making a mess of his dark jeans, hands still in his pockets as he sits on the heels of his boots. He just sits there and listens to the river, tries to clear out his head like Shuri had taught him. Like his many therapists had taught him. God, he’d probably need two more added to the Council Barnes Mental Health.
It doesn’t help, nothing helps the ache in his chest. Maybe it’s because it's too raw right now, maybe it’s because he hasn’t talked to anyone… who’s he even supposed to talk to now? The one thing that made him feel like he deserved a chance at redemption had gone to be with a woman that had had a family of her own, a husband that Steve had saved during the war.
Steve had a right to be happy but did Bucky have a right to be sad about him leaving? After all, Steve finally figured out Bucky wasn’t worth all this.
Footsteps are drowned out by the sound of a train rolling through in front of him against the river bank. Trains had brought back some unpleasant memories of his fall, his capture. If Bucky hadn’t honed his skills the way he had then he wouldn’t have heard the other approach at all. “Buck-” Steve.
“Mission Report: November 5, 1954. West Berlin,” starts Bucky. He isn’t sure why he’s doing this, he wants to lash out as he did in that bar 80 years ago after Azzano. He wants to hurt not only himself but he wants someone to understand his pain, how alone he feels. “ Germany. 3 Soldiers.” It had been a training mission for the Asset, to see how under control he truly was. The Asset only had to make it look like an accident. He returned to his handlers without a fight, 5 months after the arm had been grafted to his body.
“Bucky, don’t-” Steve.
“January 11, 1955. Cairo, Egypt. United Nations Diplomatic team.” He knows of at least 5 the Asset took out. Cairo authorities declared the fire an accident. He has no idea how many casualties there were after he rigged that room to go up in flames. He only checked to ensure the team had been eliminated, Dept. X or HYDRA or whoever had him at the time only cared about that team, everyone else was an acceptable loss.
“James please.” He hears Steve beg him to stop. Bucky only hugs his knees in closer and buries his head in them. He wishes he had the chair as an option, he wants to hurt to make the pain go away. At least the pain of the chair was familiar.
“May 14, 1955. West Berlin, Germany. General Keller, Eliminated with prejudice.” It hurts and with how many people have helped him? Bucky knows they’d be disappointed in just how far he’d relapsed. But these were the reasons he wasn’t enough, that he’d never be that Bucky ever again. He had too much blood on his hands and Steve finally realized that. Bucky should have known better than to hang on to the idea: To the end of the line.
He hears a car door slam somewhere behind him. Steve doesn’t say anything. He does hear the train that went by miles away now though. “Steve. Go back to the compound let me talk to him. I’ll take care of him, I promise.”
Steve’s reluctant to leave Bucky - though Bucky doesn’t understand why he didn’t seem to have any regrets leaving Bucky here with his friends with nothing more than an ‘it’ll be okay Buck’ from him before living an entire life without him. He hears Sam approach but Bucky doesn’t completely breakdown until he hears the car pull away gravel crunching under its tires. The tears sting against the corners of his eyes and he whimpers. The fucking fist of HYDRA whimpers into his knees drawn up to his chest making for an uncomfortable pillow. How the mighty have fallen.
Sam tests the waters be placing his hand firmly on Buckys right shoulder, he’s not sure if it helps or not seeing as Bucky’s entire body stiffens, but Sam continues anyway, sitting next to Bucky and trying his best to give him what comfort he can. “I wasn’t worth it Sam.”
Prompt: Reunion
Title: Let Me Go
Fandom: MCU
Rating/Warnings: Spoilers for End Game, Suicidal thoughts, Might not be Steve-friendly-ish.
Pairings: n/a? Might be considered StarBucks if you already ship them, or maybe Winter Falcon too if you try hard enough.
Word Count: 1567
Summary: Bucky feels unbalanced after Steve does the thing.
There’s a weight that sits square in his chest. It’s heavier than the burden of his past, heavier than the weight HYDRA has made him carry, heavier than redemption that he doesn’t yet feel like he’s earned. He knows who is sitting there, on that bench looking out onto the water. His lungs feel like they’re full of water and his neck feels tight. He keeps his hands in pockets curled into fists, fingernails digging into the palm of his right hand. He takes a deep breath.
“Sam.”
He’s not sure who he interrupted, or if he interrupted anyone everything around him is just static right now. He’s not even sure if Sam is talking to him. He’s zoned in on the figure on the bench. He’s not even really sure where he is right now, he doesn’t remember if he’s on American soil or in Wakanda, for all he knows right now he’s somewhere in Germany. He’s not sure if he told Sam to go talk to him, he’s kind of running on Autopilot right now. The bottom tips of his shoulder blades ache, even the metal one. He watches as Steve talks to Sam. Hands over the shield.
He knows he should be happy, Steve is his best friend. The only friend he’s had for a long while. He’s not sure if Sam counts. Natasha is gone and Sam treats him well enough, but Bucky isn’t sure if it’s out of loyalty to Steve or if Sam genuinely wants to be around him. He takes another deep breath, the world around him seems to spin on and Bucky can’t move, he can barely breathe. It feels like he’s drowning.
At some point, his gaze moved from Sam and Steve to the ground just before his feet. His heart pounds in his chest and his brain is thinking too many thoughts to be useful. He swallows, his head begins to hurt and his body feels heavy. His fingers feel like they have weights attached, his knees feel weak and his feet feel like they’ve been buried in cement and a hand on his shoulder makes him jump.
“Barnes, you okay?”
He isn’t sure who asked him that, he isn’t sure he even sure he understands the question. It sounds distorted and he’s scared, he goes back to what he knows: give them the answer they want to hear. Protect yourself, even if it means lying, but he can’t even do that because he can’t even lie and say he’s okay.
“I just-” starts Bucky, he brings a hand out of his pockets and runs it through his hair bringing it out of his face. His hands wet, fuck is he crying? “I need a walk.”
He isn’t sure how he sounded, he isn’t sure what’s said afterward if he was given any warnings he won’t head them. He brings his head back up, seeing Steve and Sam still at the bench talking, Sam looks up with a surprised look before Bucky turns and walks in the opposite direction of the bench. Bucky doesn’t look back to see if Sam or Steve follows him. He just walks in a straight line till a tree gets in his way then he changes his path ever so slightly.
He keeps walking. He's not sure when the sun went down but it had at some point. He’s made it across several streets until he’s walked 10 miles. He ends up on the bank of a river. Some part of him knows that maybe he should go back, though he’s not entirely sure how he got to the bank of this river.
He stares at the river bank. It's not the Potomac, at least he's pretty sure it's not. Bucky isn't sure what happened in the 5 years he's been gone to him. It feels like minutes have passed. For him, its only hours that have passed since Steve had asked him how he was doing, how Bucky replied not bad for the end of the world. He wasn't sure why this was worse either. The world was saved. Steve saved it, they should be celebrating and they did. But like with everything in Buckys’ life it was taken and he didn't understand what had broken Steve in the past 5 years.
His heart hurt when he realized that he hadn’t felt this torn apart knowing that if they lost he’d be dead, they would all be dead, but what breaks him is Steve going back, leaving Bucky behind. It’ll be okay Buck, those words echo in his head and send chills up his spine because how is he supposed to be okay? He hasn’t been okay since Steve lifted him off that table in 1943. He hadn’t been okay since he got his draft papers in the mail. Bucky Barnes isn’t even sure what okay means anymore.
Anymore he just feels… there.
Every joint in his body feels heavy like cinderblocks are tied to each joint. His knees can’t hold himself up anymore so he just kneels on the ground, sand making a mess of his dark jeans, hands still in his pockets as he sits on the heels of his boots. He just sits there and listens to the river, tries to clear out his head like Shuri had taught him. Like his many therapists had taught him. God, he’d probably need two more added to the Council Barnes Mental Health.
It doesn’t help, nothing helps the ache in his chest. Maybe it’s because it's too raw right now, maybe it’s because he hasn’t talked to anyone… who’s he even supposed to talk to now? The one thing that made him feel like he deserved a chance at redemption had gone to be with a woman that had had a family of her own, a husband that Steve had saved during the war.
Steve had a right to be happy but did Bucky have a right to be sad about him leaving? After all, Steve finally figured out Bucky wasn’t worth all this.
Footsteps are drowned out by the sound of a train rolling through in front of him against the river bank. Trains had brought back some unpleasant memories of his fall, his capture. If Bucky hadn’t honed his skills the way he had then he wouldn’t have heard the other approach at all. “Buck-” Steve.
“Mission Report: November 5, 1954. West Berlin,” starts Bucky. He isn’t sure why he’s doing this, he wants to lash out as he did in that bar 80 years ago after Azzano. He wants to hurt not only himself but he wants someone to understand his pain, how alone he feels. “ Germany. 3 Soldiers.” It had been a training mission for the Asset, to see how under control he truly was. The Asset only had to make it look like an accident. He returned to his handlers without a fight, 5 months after the arm had been grafted to his body.
“Bucky, don’t-” Steve.
“January 11, 1955. Cairo, Egypt. United Nations Diplomatic team.” He knows of at least 5 the Asset took out. Cairo authorities declared the fire an accident. He has no idea how many casualties there were after he rigged that room to go up in flames. He only checked to ensure the team had been eliminated, Dept. X or HYDRA or whoever had him at the time only cared about that team, everyone else was an acceptable loss.
“James please.” He hears Steve beg him to stop. Bucky only hugs his knees in closer and buries his head in them. He wishes he had the chair as an option, he wants to hurt to make the pain go away. At least the pain of the chair was familiar.
“May 14, 1955. West Berlin, Germany. General Keller, Eliminated with prejudice.” It hurts and with how many people have helped him? Bucky knows they’d be disappointed in just how far he’d relapsed. But these were the reasons he wasn’t enough, that he’d never be that Bucky ever again. He had too much blood on his hands and Steve finally realized that. Bucky should have known better than to hang on to the idea: To the end of the line.
He hears a car door slam somewhere behind him. Steve doesn’t say anything. He does hear the train that went by miles away now though. “Steve. Go back to the compound let me talk to him. I’ll take care of him, I promise.”
Steve’s reluctant to leave Bucky - though Bucky doesn’t understand why he didn’t seem to have any regrets leaving Bucky here with his friends with nothing more than an ‘it’ll be okay Buck’ from him before living an entire life without him. He hears Sam approach but Bucky doesn’t completely breakdown until he hears the car pull away gravel crunching under its tires. The tears sting against the corners of his eyes and he whimpers. The fucking fist of HYDRA whimpers into his knees drawn up to his chest making for an uncomfortable pillow. How the mighty have fallen.
Sam tests the waters be placing his hand firmly on Buckys right shoulder, he’s not sure if it helps or not seeing as Bucky’s entire body stiffens, but Sam continues anyway, sitting next to Bucky and trying his best to give him what comfort he can. “I wasn’t worth it Sam.”